December 5, 2011

A time of reflection, a time to have faith, a time of thanksgiving ...

Miscarriage is such a dirty word. If you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage or worse a stillbirth – hug them and love them – they need it. As someone who has lost one in the early stages and has lost one in the 2nd trimester I can tell you it is horrible and quite frankly while life goes on, the bitter truth of loss does not weaken with time. I can also tell you those dates of loss are forever burned in my mind and as the years pass they will haunt me. It doesn’t matter how richly blessed my life is – those dates stop me in my tracks and I cannot help but think what might have been. December 25, 2009 and November 8, 2010 are my dates of reflection.

After we lost the baby in November 2010, it took me a few weeks to even recognize myself again. When I finally started to feel again, Tim and I discussed what we were going to do about completing our family. You see, just because a loss strikes does not mean your dreams of completing your family die as well. No one really seemed to get this – except those who have miscarried or lost a child. We first talked about adoption. In fact I was pushing in that direction because I did not want to risk the pain of losing again. I tried to force myself into a place of being content with adoption being our answer, which simply did not work. While the pre-approval was easy, there was a voice inside me that told me to have faith in myself. That the road to adoption, while admirable and remarkable for people who take it, was not the road I needed to take at this time. I was asked to have faith.

In mid-December 2010 I walked into the doors of Tulsa Fertility Center. Wow, what a weird, humbling moment. I felt a little out of place as I have been blessed with 2 healthy, wonderful boys – why did I need to be seen at a fertility center? What I needed from TFC was two things - first, I needed to know why we lost; and second I needed to know if carrying our own baby was even a possibility anymore. After a few procedures and lots of blood work I was told our reason for loss was plain and simple bad luck. Well, thanks for that double-shot of honesty. There were some other tests that needed to be ran when/if I got pregnant, but for the most part – there was no reason we could not get pregnant and carry a baby to term. Try again.

We got pregnant June 2011 – when we figured this out a month later, the monitoring, worry, and major blood work really began. I decided to go back to the doctor who delivered Owen and I am so glad that I did. This group of doctors in Owasso are rock stars. In short, they cared enough to roll up their sleeves and monitor me closely so we could get to a place of safety, a place we could breathe again. The goal … 20 weeks. During the every week appointments and blood work we found out what happened – it turns out that my progesterone level plummets and cannot support a pregnancy. Since progesterone levels are not something they typically monitor, it easily slipped through the cracks. I was told the first one (because of how early it was) really was bad luck, but that the second was more than likely a direct result of my progesterone levels. The solution was a simple fix; a tiny pill that allowed me to keep my progesterone level where it needed to be until the placenta effectively could take over. I am now 24 weeks pregnant and I am looking forward to meeting my 3rd son. The time of thanksgiving has begun.


Paige said...

Awww! Congratulations! 3 Boys! You will have your hands full, but else would you want them! Sorry to hear about your losses but glad they figured things out and you and the baby are now doing well!!

Allison said...

I had not seen this. What a lovely post of your true emotion. Frankly I am sobbing right now. I feel so lucky to know you and Tim and one day have dreams of our families hanging out together. I know our kiddos will just love each other. Love and Loyally.